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By Carol A. Jenkins TABLE of CONTENTS
There are few emotions as all consuming as despair. Beyond discouragement, beyond depression, despair is the well bottom of emotions. It is hopelessness dressed in a maudlin package of forever'. Brokenness, from abuse of any kind, can be the precursor of despair, but the wounds of abuse are not enough to bring about the depth of such desperation. The damage of abuse, in order to fester into despair, must be corrupted with another ingredient - the infectious power of lies.
That's what happened in my life. I was abused at the tender age of seventeen by a man who was filled with an anger and brokenness too destructive for me to salve. I was too naive to understand that, so I placed myself in a situation that made me a target of his wrath. Because of my naiveté and my guilt over having 'allowed' such a thing to happen, I told no one. And that was my initial step down the road of despair. The first lie I believed was that I somehow allowed the abuse. Couple that with the lie that God was absent during such a hurtful thing, pair that with lie after lie about who God really is, who I really am and how my life could / would never be the same, and I started to run down the dark path of hopelessness. I tried all of the usual things to find relief. I stuffed my emotions for several years, pretending nothing had happened and all was just fine. That finally built into an explosion of anger and rage of my own, and more years of punishing God by living in willful sin. No matter how I filled my time and with what I experimented, nothing brought the comfort or at least the ease I so desperately desired. Finally, I gave up and settled into a long winter season with my newest friend - despair. Those years, almost 10 in all, were leading me to do something drastic and I probably would have, had two things not been true. One, I was a Christian. I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at the age of ten and I belonged to Him. And two, God wasn't going to let me go. With those two things true about me, my journey back from despair to God was about to become something of a miracle in my life. It began with introductions. First, God brought a woman into my life who had known, first hand, the deep pain of abuse. After several months of conversations and growing trust, she pushed me, kicking and screaming, off to see a Christian counselor. Six months of meeting with him led to an awakening in my soul to return to the body of Christ. My soul was starving for truth while my broken heart and my ravaged mind were finally ready to go along. That was the final introduction needed. God had brought me full circle to His truth. As hard as it was to walk through those doors on Sunday morning, to not go was inconceivable. My soul had tasted the power - the healing power - of God's truth, and nothing was going to keep me from that feast! Ten years later, and I am still on that path. I left despair in the dust so very long ago and I am now working with others to help them do the same. It is not psychology or working some man-made program that has led me to this place. It is, quite simply, the study, the nourishment, and the power of God's truth. Remember the lies of which I spoke? Well, they had invaded my thinking and had taken up residence in my heart. Everything I did and said and believed was tainted by them. Every relationship was impacted. Even my hopes and dreams of the future stood knee deep in the pond of those deceits. I was living lies about who I am, that is to say, my identity. I believed myself a failure. I believed myself too sinful, too fallen, too far from God for Him to bring me back. In fact, I believed myself to be a sort of second-class citizen of Heaven. One of God's kids but certainly one of the least in the Kingdom. You know, a bastard of sorts about whom everyone pointed and whispered but no one really wanted around. I also believed lies about God. I believed He was weak, too weak to have stopped what happened to me or sometimes, when the pendulum swung the other way, I just believed He was too cruel to have cared. I had no correct understanding of His justice, His holiness, His love and His grace. I needed to be introduced to the Sovereign God, the King Eternal, Immortal, Invisible who could rescue me out of my prison of lies and deliver me into His promised peace. And so the journey began. It started with the simplest and most powerful of God's truths - He loves me! There's really no reason for Him to do so. Not when you consider my track record and match it to His righteousness, but "He loves me" was never about me; it always was and is about Him. He loves; He created; He forgives; He promises - I am merely the fortunate vessel into whom He pours His abundance. And that includes His truth! My life journey has been a living example of what Paul calls "putting off" and "putting on". The lies had to be put off, but, had I just remained in that place, they would have rushed back in tenfold. You see, "I am not unlovable" is true, but it's also empty. So what if "I'm not unlovable"? Who really cares about that? But I am not unlovable and I know because God loves me so much He sent His Son to die for me! Put off the lie - "unlovable"; put on the truth - "dearly beloved". I found relief in putting off the lie; I found joy and healing in the bountiful waters of God's truth. That's what this book is about. It is a journey of truth-telling, of Biblical principles that will apply to every aspect of your life. It will be and is about foundation building. And we will do it brick by brick, stone by stone. You may find some parts of this book of more value or at least of greater need to your heart, mind and soul than others. That's okay. Filling in a foundation is of as great a value as building one from scratch. Both must be done well or the building that foundation supports will not last. Many years ago, I wrote these words in my journal, "no matter what else I do in my life, discovering the truth of God's love hidden in the well of my pain will always be the greatest adventure of them all!" I believe you will discover the same thing if you will simply choose to take the next step and let God speak His truth, His love to your heart. "Healing the Past God's Way" can be done individually or as a group study.
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